Releasing Feelings, letting go, and moving forward


I do my best to keep certain feelings and opinions to myself but sometimes they have to be released. Drinking could definitely be a factor of that, I guess you can say I get it from my dad. If I am in a weird emotional state before the drinking starts all of those emotions tend to pour out and it sucks but I think it’s needed. I’m one of those people that truly believes everything happens for a reason. Some of my deepest secrets have came out will I was drunk and I have no recollection of the things I said. Now my secrets are out and there is nothing I can do to change that. At first I felt so vulnerable because I hate people to know my true feelings about the pain and struggles I’ve been though in my life. But I am starting to feel like it being out in the open and acknowledged allows a weight be lifted off my shoulders.

I am a victim of sexual abuse. I allowed the pain to destroy me for years. I allowed it to overpower all my confidence and lead to depression and eating disorders. I was self-destructing just to keep something that happen to me be buried deep. All I can say that it is Not Worth It. Let me tell you if there is something so deep on your mind that it affects your performance and takes away your joy of life you gotta let it go free or it will always have power over you.

The crazy thing is that I let my pain secretly define me for so long that now that I am finally free I don’t know who I am. Like when I am not hating myself and taking blame for what happened what else I am suppose to think about? What am I suppose to focus on? In the past I destroyed my body to compensate for all the pain. Now I am ready to let that go but its hard, especially because this is the biggest I’ve ever been and while I still believe that I am beautiful no matter what I would like to lose wait. How do I get past always being so stuck on my weight and figure if I am not where I wanna be? This is why I think I have to address the issue all together before I can let that control part of myself go. When I do it this time I don’t want to lose out on fun in the process because I am tired of forgoing fun and opportunity for not feeling comfortable in my own body.

New Beginnings

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something.” ~ Neil Gaiman

I need an outlet for my thoughts, and I need to discover myself more. I’ve always been so hard on myself when it comes to writing but I need to learn not to be my biggest critic. I just feeling like I am living my life with purpose to an extend but I don’t necessarily feel passionate about anything. I want to dig deep and get to know myself on a better level and I guess I really have no idea of where to start. So, this is the beginning, maybe the key to growth and understanding my life and who I am is pushing myself to do things out of my conform zone. For the next 30 days I am going to push myself to try something new and then write about my experience.

My expectations of this challenge:

I thing that doing this challenge will allow me to discover something interesting and new about myself. Maybe I’ll find a new hobby or a new talent. I could meet some new people and maybe make a new friend. All I really want to do is grow and feel like I am learning and exploring new things and experiences.

Days 1-7

This challenge definitely makes me think and a lot of the time I over think trying something new. So far I’ve tried doing box braids and twist for the first time. I learned that I like doing hair, I find it fun but also something to do in free time other than sitting around. I guess, I can count blogging too because this past week has been the first that I am actually delegating time to writing and I like it. I am looking forward trying more new things and not ruling things out because of fear or prejudgement about how I’m gonna feel about it.