I do my best to keep certain feelings and opinions to myself but sometimes they have to be released. Drinking could definitely be a factor of that, I guess you can say I get it from my dad. If I am in a weird emotional state before the drinking starts all of those emotions tend to pour out and it sucks but I think it’s needed. I’m one of those people that truly believes everything happens for a reason. Some of my deepest secrets have came out will I was drunk and I have no recollection of the things I said. Now my secrets are out and there is nothing I can do to change that. At first I felt so vulnerable because I hate people to know my true feelings about the pain and struggles I’ve been though in my life. But I am starting to feel like it being out in the open and acknowledged allows a weight be lifted off my shoulders.
I am a victim of sexual abuse. I allowed the pain to destroy me for years. I allowed it to overpower all my confidence and lead to depression and eating disorders. I was self-destructing just to keep something that happen to me be buried deep. All I can say that it is Not Worth It. Let me tell you if there is something so deep on your mind that it affects your performance and takes away your joy of life you gotta let it go free or it will always have power over you.
The crazy thing is that I let my pain secretly define me for so long that now that I am finally free I don’t know who I am. Like when I am not hating myself and taking blame for what happened what else I am suppose to think about? What am I suppose to focus on? In the past I destroyed my body to compensate for all the pain. Now I am ready to let that go but its hard, especially because this is the biggest I’ve ever been and while I still believe that I am beautiful no matter what I would like to lose wait. How do I get past always being so stuck on my weight and figure if I am not where I wanna be? This is why I think I have to address the issue all together before I can let that control part of myself go. When I do it this time I don’t want to lose out on fun in the process because I am tired of forgoing fun and opportunity for not feeling comfortable in my own body.